THE WARRIORS

Inspired by Monty Python. Lunatic characters in crazy situations, with a not-so-subtle anti-Wokism. Maggie is the ultimate Social Justice Warrior.

Click here to buy The Warriors now from Amazon

THE WARRIORS by Glenn Lazar Roberts. Adventures of Maggie, the Radiated Lesbian Nun, Book Three.

“Never trust eight wheels and a smile.” Social Justice Warrior Maggie and her all-girl roller derby team rule the mean streets of Los Angeles in this satirical take-off of the 1979 classic cult movie The Warriors. When Sirius, leader of a rival team, is assassinated in Griffith Park, the Warriors get blamed, and Maggie must lead her roller-derby gang across Los Angeles through hostile roller derby gangs seeking revenge for the death of Sirius. Unknown to Maggie, the gangs are directed by Evil Mimes in the service of politically incorrect galactic aliens who want to flood the Earth with Global Warming.

Features FBI head J. Edgar Hoover, Amelia Earhart, Mormon founder Joseph Smith, Judge Joseph Crater, astronomer Richard Pierson, the incompetent German spies Huntz and Heinz, Muslim Cross-Dressers Union Local 36, return of the Mormon hit-men Orange and Lemon Jello, Big Cigar Bill, Korplash and Xplak, Spike and Bigtooth, kid Gary, Howard Hughes, and many others. Will snowflakes and the easily offended find Safe Spaces inside? Heyll NO! Will the brave reader find lots of laughs? Heyll YES! Political Correctness meets its match in this work of manic genius. BE SURE TO SEE THE MOVIE ‘THE WARRIORS’ BEFORE READING THIS PARODY & READ THE FIRST 2 BOOKS IN THE SERIES.

RECENT REVIEWS for The Warriors:

“She is part of a roller skate group who face danger when the leader of a rival team is found dead. They are blamed and now they need to find out who did it. Will they be in danger? Can they find the clues that are needed? Will they find the real person who did it? See if they do.” —Tanyawriter (5 stars)

“Brilliant.” —?? (anonymous in an email)

“I received an e copy of this book and have tried AND FAILED several times to finish it. I got about 50 pages in and that was pretty bad before I gave up. Ok, it’s the third in a series and they assume you have read the first two and backstory is sketchy, BUT this is more like a thirteen year old boy writing about his fantasies about women in general and lesbians in particular.” —Bookwrm39  (1 star).

AUTHOR COMMENT: “Glenn Lazar Roberts is one of the finest writers of unconventional prose in contemporary fiction. His wonderfully inventive plots and mastery of the language place him in the company of Calvino, Burges, Gass…” -C. Thorman. Perhaps Bookwrm39 should read more carefully. Clearly, he missed much.

“Being a fan of the film “The Warriors” and the sport of roller derby, the plot of this book appealed to me. I didn’t realize it was the 3rd book in a series. I was lost b/c i hadn’t read the previous books. But yeah…this book was too ridiculous for me. It made no sense.” —John H (1 star)

AUTHOR COMMENT: If the title of the book says “Adventures of Maggie, the Radiated Lesbian Nun, Book Three, a sci-fi parody / satire”, perhaps that is an indication that it is a satirical book which is part of a series. It’s so hard to find good help these days. . . 

– – –

EXCERPT from Chapter 4 (parody of the death of Cyrus):

The Theater took shape.

Rolling towards the front, but on the left so as to be close to the road—a habit long acquired by the olive-skinned veteran of L.A.’s gritty back alleys and mean sculpted boulevards—Maggie led her crew mid-way towards the stage. Hundreds of other derby girls accumulated before, to the right, and behind, breaking the backs of the Theater’s folding seats to toss them contemptuously aside. Even Maggie, the imperturbable master of thighs, found herself unconsciously counting her followers to compare them to the more numerous derby gangs that arrived out of the growing darkness.

Static erupted from the stage. Maggie recognized the red-gold flowing shirts of the Ballbusters. Their leader must be near.

At the back—a tall figure in red-gold knee-length robe on eight-wheeled skates emerged.

The static erupted again as someone tapped a microphone.

The crowd quieted.

Rolling backward onto the stage, the figure rotated, slowed, deliberately approached the microphone. Sirius flung long locks of curly black hair back behind her dark Malibu tan, a serious look on her smooth hairless face, her eyes passing over the vast assemblage of L.A.’s roller derby underground.

A hush fell over the crowd as they viewed the most famous roller derby girl in all Southern California, leader of the Ballbusters and head of the Instant Death League, where every play was for keeps, her own Ballbusters team the largest and most vicious in the League, the Warriors’ application to join the Death League still sitting in the League’s Inbox waiting to be processed. This was for real.

Sirius shook her big finger like the born leader she was.

“Sisters,” she bellowed. All eyes fixed on her. She pawed the stage with the brake pad of one skate like a bull impatient to roll and raised her arms high flashing her rink-chipped teeth. “SISTERS!” The serious look deepened and she lowered her arms. “Look around you.” Eyes shifted. “You come from every ‘hood in L.A. Here tonight is every rink—from Long Beach to Sun Valley. From El Segundo—to Cucamonga!”

The crowd passed its gaze over the crowded seats, the number of derby rollers spilling beyond the theater seating to sprawl over the barriers and slopes surrounding the stage.

“Look at our numbers, Sisters. If we decide to move, who can stand against us? If we unite, who can resist us?” Her arms rose again. “We are legion!”

The crowd stirred. Cries of “Yes! We are legion!” resounded.

Again the big finger. “Yes, we are legion. Yes, we have the numbers. But still They oppress us. Still They deny us our rights. Long have we lived in the corners, accepting what They choose to give us, forced to turn the other cheek when They catch us bending over—and slap our ass!”

Maggie stared, a smile transforming her face. This was good. She herself could not have done better; she would have to remember Sirius’ technique.

The arms rose again. “Just look around you, Sisters. We don’t have to take it anymore. If we unite, we will have this city by its busted balls.”

Roller ranks stood. Clapping accompanied by shouts of “Yes! We have the numbers. We must unite!”

“I am here to tell you that We Don’t Have to Take It Anymore. Sisters, I am telling you: Unite now—take the streets. Take the streets of L.A.” She grinned. “We are the 99 percent!”

The crowd erupted. Everyone leaped to their skates. “We are the 99 percent! We are united! It’s time to take the streets!” Maggie and her crew stared around with amazement. It was all good. Sirius had spoken The Truth. The Warriors stood and whistled, clapping and shouting with the rest. It was about time. After so long, after so much pain and rejection by the bad ones, the time had come for The Derby Nation to assert its power.

Sirius shouted into the mike, her arms out thrust. “Can you dig it? Can you dig it?!”

The crowd went wild. A chant began:

Derby to the streets!

United we roll!

Derby to the streets!

United we roll!

Pop.

The upraised arms froze—slowly dropped. The grin on Sirius’ face faded. With a wooden thud she fell backwards onto the stage, crashing through to the floor beneath.

Every breath froze. Every skate ceased rolling.

From the backmost row, a short grungy roller girl with stiff hair and wide jacket collar pulled over her face stood and shouted, her voice reverberating the length and breadth of Griffith Park. “The Warriors did it! THE WARRIORS KILLED SIRIUS!”

– – –

FROM THE AUTHOR: In reply to some reviewers, yes there is a plot to the three Radiated Lesbian Nun novels! Read carefully and you will see it–or at least a marginally careful reader should. If you didn’t see a coherent plot, then you weren’t paying attention. My books are carefully researched and planned and not really intended for light casual reading, even my satires, tho they can be read just for fun. Like much about Political Correctness, female reviewers tend not to like my books in general, while male reviewers tend to like them, though of course there are many exceptions. Who knows why? Here are a few tidbits:

The Radiated Lesbian Nun was real. The character was patterned after an actual Catholic nun, whom I knew personally, who was radiated in a mysterious accident that removed her eyebrows and eyelashes, and I suspect, though of course cannot prove, was also lesbian. She is now long deceased. To respect her memory, she shall remain unnamed. She was not an alien, tho at times she did seem like one.

There is no such thing as “Opus Dea”. I made that up as a plausible nun version of Opus Deus.

The first book, Judge Crater Takes a Powder, took place in the 1930s; the second book, Cross-Dressers From Pluto, in the 1940s-1950s; the third book, The Warriors, is present day. The books did not all take place “in the 1950s.” Each book was carefully researched for period authenticity.

Yours truly did the cover artwork. The idea of the alien ribbets came from the green frog common to some political websites.

Yes, there is an underlying message to all three books, it’s not just fun and games. Maybe it’s necessary to read all three to get this. Hint: look at the titles of the books that characters cite in the stories. It’s a satire of Political Correctness!

So here’s what the poorer reviewers seem to have missed in this book, assuming they weren’t just panning the book for political reasons, which is possible:

THE WARRIORS:

The Warriors is patterned after the 1979 movie The Warriors and almost every major scene from the movie is faithfully reproduced and parodied in the book. My book The Warriors is the only parody ever made about that hyper-violent film.

Gloria Warbler alludes to the famous divorce lawyer to the stars in LA, of similar name.

The character Huge Buffet alludes to Warren Buffet. “Save fifteen percent” refers to Geico, which WB owns.

The Evil Mime Retirement Home is exactly like the Confederate Veteran retirement homes that used to populate the South.

The “Mime Olympics” is not real–tho it should be.

“Room for cream” parodies the extreme annoyance that Yours Truly encounters in Starbucks when, each time I ask for coffee, they love to snap back, “Room for cream?” no matter how many times I have told them No, I don’t want cream! Starbucks baristas have the memory of a marmot and love to argue with their customers over orders. They really lust to put cream in your coffee.

The geography of Griffith Park is authentic.

Blinky the depressed clown was inspired by the TV show Married With Children.

All the geography and streets in LA, including subways and light rail are accurately described in the book. The entire path taken by The Warriors can be accurately traced in the LA basin from Griffith Park to the sea. 

The extensive list of absurd roller derby gangs in the book, which takes up over a page, was inspired by a similar list of rock groups from the third book of The Illuminatus Trilogy, by  Shea & Wilson. A brilliant work, also panned by some unperceptive reviewers.

The Insane Clown Pasta rap group and their band of gigolos is a parody of the Insane Clown Posse and their juggalos. Do I really have to spell this out?

Nite Shade tossing a used Eight-Hour Energy can into a deep hole parodies The Lord of the Rings where Merry drops a stone into a well. . .both opening up unforeseen horrors.

The three-pronged lawn weeder of the Santa Claws comes from the Sherlock Holmes movie, The Scarlet Claw.

‘Bogart’ is the famous actor Humphrey Bogart of the 1930s etc. Has he too gone into the dustbin of history? No reviewer seems to know him.

ISeeMoHo robots allude to Asimo robots.

All in all, The Warriors is a work of eccentric genius. I’ll never be roomed-for-cream again. . .

I hope this helps.

See the pages for Judge Crater Takes a Powder, and Cross-Dressers From Pluto for more tidbits.