CRATER TAKES A POWDER

A truly insane effusion from the warped mind of Glenn Lazar Roberts, written while recovering from a broken leg. Inspired by Monty Python with lunatic characters in crazy situations and a not-so-subtle anti-Wokism. Maggie, our lovely hero, is the ultimate Social Justice Warrior.

JUDGE CRATER TAKES A POWDER by Glenn Lazar Roberts. Adventures of Maggie, the Radiated Lesbian Nun, Book One.

In August 1930, Judge Joseph Crater of the New York Supreme Court said goodbye to his friends one late evening and proceeded to walk to the Belasco Theater a few streets away. He never arrived. The disappearance of Judge Crater was one of the greatest mysteries of Depression-era U.S. In  Roberts’ Judge Crater Takes A Powder we learn what really happened to Judge Crater—and to Amelia Earhart—in this hilarious sci-fi novel that involves J. Edgar Hoover, German spies, Japanese submarines, cowardly mafia, space-folding transvestites, recipe-obsessed nuns, and Orson Welles, as Hoover recruits Joseph Crater to help him uncover a galactic conspiracy of gloriously incompetent aliens who have assumed human form. From 1930s New York City to alien planets, Judge Crater is a devastating satire of modern political correctness. Will snowflakes, marshmallows, and the easily offended find safe spaces inside? Heyll NO! Warning to micro-sensitive SJWs: read at your own risk!

REVIEWS:

“Nuts!” —Sirius Reviews

“Roberts interweaves historical fact with castles in the air, dubiousness and irony to create a fast paced narrative filled with the almost plausible as well as out-and-out incredible in this sardonic romp. . . For those who like a bit of sarcasm swathed in quirkiness and screwball circumstance; Judge Crater Takes a Powder should prove to be a worthwhile read. Happy to recommend [it] for those not easily dismayed, repulsed or dazed.” —Authorsden

“He is a judge and he is called up to the FBI to solve a mystery. Many characters will join him along the way. What is the mystery? Can they solve it? See how and if they can do it.” —Tanyawriter, 5 stars

“A fun story covering all kind of conspiracy theories and it makes you laugh and just enjoy.” —BigT, 5 stars

FROM THE AUTHOR: The 3 Radiated Lesbian Nun books happened in the following way. One day I went up on the roof of my home to do some repairs. Some problems came up, and, basically, I fell off and broke my leg. With nothing to do while I waited for my leg to heal, I started hobbling off to a local coffee house each day with my laptop. One idea led to another and two months later I found I had written an extended wild and crazy story that was easily divisible into 3 books of a single series, all while sitting in the same chair and stoked on caffeine laughing maniacally with headphones on and my leg stretched out while others stared at me as if I were insane. (Maybe they were right.) These books were totally unplanned but I’m proud of what I accomplished when I could have stayed home and instead watched reruns of Gilligan’s Island. (Maybe some wish I had.)

In reply to some reviewers, yes there is a plot to the three Radiated Lesbian Nun novels. Read carefully and you will see it tho perhaps one must have an IQ above room temperature–or at least a marginally careful reader should see it. If you didn’t see a coherent plot, then you must not be paying attention. These books were carefully researched (entirely online) and have significant depth, tho they can be read just for fun. Like much about Political Correctness, female reviewers tend not to like my books in general, and especially the RLN books, while male reviewers tend to like them, though of course there are many exceptions. Who knows why? Here are a few tidbits:

The Radiated Lesbian Nun was real. The character was patterned after an actual Catholic nun, whom I knew personally, who was radiated in a mysterious accident that removed her eyebrows and eyelashes, and I suspect, though of course cannot prove, was also lesbian. She is now long deceased. To respect her memory, she shall remain unnamed. She was not an alien, tho at times she did seem like one.

There is no such thing as “Opus Dea”. I made that up as a plausible nun version of Opus Deus.

The first book, Judge Crater Takes a Powder, took place in the 1930s; the second book, Cross-Dressers From Pluto, in the 1940s-1950s; the third book, The Warriors, is present day. The books did not all take place “in the 1950s.” Each book was carefully researched for period authenticity.

Yours truly did the cover artwork. The idea of the alien ribbets came from the green frog common to some political websites.

Yes, there is an underlying message to all three books, it’s not just fun and games. Maybe it’s necessary to read all three to get this. Hint: look at the titles of the books that some characters cite in the novels. It’s a satire of Political Correctness!

So here’s what the poorer reviewers seem to have missed in this book, assuming they weren’t just panning the book for political reasons, which is possible:

JUDGE CRATER TAKES A POWDER:

“Taking a powder” meant “to take a break, pause for a moment.” I guess most people today no longer know that expression. It’s ironic for Crater since he never returns.

Judge Joseph Force Crater was real and so was his disappearance. The details of his disappearance as portrayed in this book are accurate up to his entering the auto. By a strange coincidence, his attendant was also named Joseph.

Yes, J. Edgar Hoover wore women’s clothes. He is not portrayed that way in this book merely as a joke. The purple dress he wears was his favorite. He called his lover and assistant in the FBI, Clyde. All are accurately portrayed.

Visiting an alien planet 7 light years away means 7 years have elapsed on Earth when one returns, not overnight as in Star Trek.

The bridge in NYC that Huntz and Heinz crossed in 1937 was genuine and built in that year.

Huntz was modeled after Siegfried of the Get Smart TV series. “Ve don’t shush here!” Other jokes came from that series.

Heinz was modeled after a real person I knew, who shall remain unnamed. Believe it or not, I did not have to invent much about him.

The place where the U-boat picks up Huntz & Heinz was the place where a German U-boat actually landed a crew of Nazi saboteurs during WW2, ‘Amagansett’. The allusion to ‘nice guys in vite suits’ refers to the fact that a sailor in a white suit alerted authorities that the Nazi saboteurs had landed at Amagansett. I guess nobody knows much about WW2 anymore either.

All bases in Panama as they existed in WW2 are historically accurately portrayed in the book.

Hitler’s party made dramatic gains in the German elections of 1930. This was portrayed accurately in the book.

All members of the Masonic lodge were actual people and faithfully if comically portrayed, as were the Masonic rites therein. The rites are also accurately portrayed, at least up to the point where the plot required some modification.

All citations from the various holy books used in the Bible duel of the Jello brothers with the Jehovah’s Witnesses are accurate.

When the kid Gary interrogates Crater and Earhart, he is parodying Monty Python’s sketch where the Sicilians threaten the Colonel’s military base. “It would be a shame if something were to happen to your tanks.” Please don’t tell me you don’t know who Monty Python was. But maybe some reviewers truly don’t. Que lastima.

The daily recitations of the Catholic nuns are authentic.

The names of the criminal gangs in 1930 New York area are accurate, except I added the ‘Chartreuse Gang’ to lampoon the ‘Purple Gang’.

Purple mannequins, for some bizarre reason, were popular during the 1930s. This lasted into at least the 1970s.

The headlines of the 1937 newspapers are genuine headlines from the named dates.

The joke about ‘sving moosic’ refers to an actual popular tune at the time: “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.” I thought this was as obvious as a slap in the face, but, amazingly, no reviewer got it! It’s no excuse to say “that was before my time.” The 1930s was way before my time also.

The 1930s automobiles are accurately named and portrayed.

The reference to “valking back to Deutschland” from a submarine came from when I was in Russia and a border policeman threatened to make me “walk back to Moscow” from a train at the Hungarian border. Luckily, I didn’t have to. You can read all about that incident in my book “Confessions of a CIA Spy in the Soviet Union”.

The Spanish epithets are authentic.

Roosevelt’s Aunts Lucy, Eleanor, and Daisy were real.

Orangello and Lemongello are actual names of actual people. Believe it or not, I did not make them up! I know, I still can’t believe it either.

There is no such thing as a 333rd degree in Masonry. I made that up. Masonic degrees only go to 33 degrees. And the vast majority of Masons only get to the 3rd degree, an exam considered so difficult by many that it gave rise to the phrase “Give him the third degree,” meaning examine him thoroughly. I stopped after the 3rd degree. I am an ex-Master Mason.

The First Commandment of the ribbets, “Klaatu barada nikto,” comes from the b/w movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. How could anyone not know that? Apparently some ‘reviewers’.

‘Nikto’ means ‘no one’ in Russian.

The place where Zira landed when she returned to Earth was Grover’s Mill off Rabbit Hill Road in New Jersey. This is where Orson Welles and his Mercury Theater reported that aliens had landed in their great War of the Worlds broadcast of 1938 which sent the country reeling.

The FBI did ‘raid’ the Mercury Theater after its 1938 War of the World broadcast. Orson Welles did have to defend his actions and some of his comments are portrayed accurately.

Joseph P. Kennedy, Jr., did in fact blow up in 1944 while testing a remote-controlled bomber over the North Sea with one co-pilot. He was the oldest son in Joe Kennedy’s clan, elder to later President John F. Kennedy. They successfully signaled ‘spade flush’ before exploding.

Kenneth Arnold did claim to see UFOs fluttering near Mount Rainer in July 1947. He then flew toward Seattle to report it.

A rancher named Mack in a pickup truck did claim that a UFO crashed on his land not far from Roswell, New Mexico, later that same July, 1947. General Ramey was real and was put in charge of the coverup after Lieutenant Colonel Jesse Marcel announced that an alien craft had indeed crashed and was photographed showing some of the wreckage. Three bodies of aliens were allegedly recovered. Has everyone forgotten this too?

I hope this helps.

See the pages for Cross-Dressers From Pluto, and The Warriors for more tidbits.