THE WARRIORS

The latest insane scribbling from the warped mind of Glenn Lazar Roberts, written while recovering from a broken leg. Inspired by Monty Python with lunatic characters in crazy situations and a not-so-subtle anti-Wokism. Maggie, our lovely hero, is the ultimate Social Justice Warrior.

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THE WARRIORS by Glenn Lazar Roberts. Adventures of Maggie, the Radiated Lesbian Nun, Book Three. Alternate Title: The Radiated Lesbian Nun Meets Evil Mimes.

“Never trust eight wheels and a smile.” Social Justice Warrior Maggie and her all-girl roller derby team rule the mean streets of Los Angeles in this satirical take-off of the 1979 classic cult movie The Warriors. When Sirius, leader of a rival team, is assassinated in Griffith Park, the Warriors get blamed, and Maggie must lead her roller-derby gang across Los Angeles through hostile roller derby gangs seeking revenge for the death of Sirius. Unknown to Maggie, the gangs are directed by Evil Mimes in the service of politically incorrect galactic aliens who want to flood the Earth with Global Warming.

Features FBI head J. Edgar Hoover, Amelia Earhart, Mormon founder Joseph Smith, Judge Joseph Crater, astronomer Richard Pierson, the incompetent German spies Huntz and Heinz, Muslim Cross-Dressers Union Local 36, return of the Mormon hit-men Orange and Lemon Jello, Big Cigar Bill, Korplash and Xplak, Spike and Bigtooth, kid Gary, Howard Hughes, and many others. Will snowflakes and the easily offended find Safe Spaces inside? Heyll NO! Will the brave reader find lots of laughs? Heyll YES! Political Correctness meets its match in this work of manic genius. BE SURE TO SEE THE MOVIE ‘THE WARRIORS’ BEFORE READING THIS PARODY & READ THE FIRST 2 BOOKS IN THE SERIES (Book 1: Crater Takes a Powder. Book 2: Cross-Dressers From Pluto)

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RECENT REVIEWS for The Warriors:

An insightful review of Maggie and The Warriors by the late Wild Bill Walker, former proprietor of Pro-Designed skating pads (may he roll forever):

More Reviews:

“She is part of a roller skate group who face danger when the leader of a rival team is found dead. They are blamed and now they need to find out who did it. Will they be in danger? Can they find the clues that are needed? Will they find the real person who did it? See if they do.” —Tanyawriter (5 stars)

“Brilliant.” —?? (anonymous in an email)

“I received an e copy of this book and have tried AND FAILED several times to finish it. I got about 50 pages in and that was pretty bad before I gave up. Ok, it’s the third in a series and they assume you have read the first two and backstory is sketchy BUT this is more like a thirteen year old boy writing about his fantasies about women in general and lesbians in particular.” —Bookwrm39  (1 star). AUTHOR COMMENT: Let me get this straight–the reader bought a book that has ‘Lesbian’ in the title, and then complained that it has lesbians? He also complains that he did not know it was part of a series, altho it’s called ‘Adventures of Maggie, the Radiated Lesbian Nun: Book 3‘? AND he failed to see the movie first, as I recommended. What can an author say to this except the following: “Glenn Lazar Roberts is one of the finest writers of unconventional prose in contemporary fiction. His wonderfully inventive plots and mastery of the language place him in the company of Calvino, Burges, Gass…” —C. Thorman. Was this reviewer genuine, or was this a drive-by hit by someone with no sense of humor? BTW, if the reader had read further he would have discovered that Maggie is actually NOT a lesbian, but something else. But he decided he understood everything and stopped reading. Oy vey!

“Being a fan of the film “The Warriors” and the sport of roller derby, the plot of this book appealed to me. I didn’t realize it was the 3rd book in a series. I was lost b/c i hadn’t read the previous books. But yeah…this book was too ridiculous for me. It made no sense.” —John H (1 star) AUTHOR COMMENT: Here we go again—no good help for a hard-working writer. If the title of the book says “Adventures of Maggie, the Radiated Lesbian Nun, Book Three, a sci-fi parody / satire”, then just perhaps this is an indication that it is a satirical book which is part of a series. It’s so hard to find good reviewers these days. And, again, I am left wondering why no one in modern America seems to have a sense of humor any more? Why does everything have to be so serious?

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EXCERPT from The Warriors, Chapter 3:

Maggie shook her head. “Sirius takes the stage at 9:00 p.m. Her words were: If you want to stake your ‘hood, show up—or lose it. Pussy and Thrill will have to catch up when they can.”

Tying the last laces on their shoes and pink corsets and strapping the last velcros on their knee and elbow pads, they packed their fanny packs and rolled north on Nielson Way to the light rail terminus in Santa Monica.

Staring out of rocking rail cars, layers of derby gang graffiti reminded them of the city’s underclass and the riskiness of the venture: ‘Talk derby to me’ sullied one graffito; ‘I’m not mean, you’re just a sissy,’ warned another. The crew grew restive at reading ‘Don’t Start None, Won’t Be None’. They became alarmed at ‘Keep moving and stay bloody’.

Taking courage from their leader’s placid confidence, however, the Warriors pressed on while the dark L.A. gloom settled over them like a smoggy blanket. . .

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FROM THE AUTHOR: The 3 Radiated Lesbian Nun books happened in the following way. One day I went up on the roof of my home to do some repairs. Some problems came up, and, basically, I fell off and broke my leg. With nothing to do while I waited for my leg to heal, I started hobbling off to a local coffee house each day with my laptop. One idea led to another and two months later I found I had written an extended wild and crazy story that was easily divisible into 3 books of a single series, all while sitting in the same chair and stoked on caffeine laughing maniacally with headphones on and my leg stretched out while others stared at me as if I were insane. (Maybe they were right.) These books were totally unplanned but I’m proud of what I accomplished when I could have stayed home and instead watched reruns of Gilligan’s Island. (Maybe some wish I had.)

In reply to some reviewers, yes there is a plot to the three Radiated Lesbian Nun novels. Read carefully and you will see it tho perhaps one must have an IQ above room temperature–or at least a marginally careful reader should see it. If you didn’t see a coherent plot, then you must not be paying attention. These books were carefully researched (entirely online) and have significant depth, tho they can be read just for fun. Like much about Political Correctness, female reviewers tend not to like my books in general, and especially the RLN books, while male reviewers tend to like them, though of course there are many exceptions. Who knows why? Here are a few tidbits:

The Radiated Lesbian Nun was real. The character was patterned after an actual Catholic nun, whom I knew personally, who was radiated in a mysterious accident that removed her eyebrows and eyelashes, and I suspect, though of course cannot prove, was also lesbian. She is now long deceased. To respect her memory, she shall remain unnamed. She was not an alien, tho at times she did seem like one.

There is no such thing as “Opus Dea”. I made that up as a plausible nun version of Opus Deus.

The first book, Judge Crater Takes a Powder, took place in the 1930s; the second book, Cross-Dressers From Pluto, in the 1940s-1950s; the third book, The Warriors, is present day. The books did not all take place “in the 1950s.” Each book was carefully researched for period authenticity.

Yours Truly did the cover artwork. The idea of the alien ribbets came from the green frog common to some political websites.

Yes, there is an underlying message to all three books, it’s not just fun and games. Maybe it’s necessary to read all three to get this. Hint: look at the titles of the books that some characters cite in the novels. It’s a satire of Political Correctness!

So here’s what the poorer reviewers seem to have missed in this book, assuming they weren’t just panning the book for political reasons, which is possible:

THE WARRIORS:

The Warriors is patterned after the 1979 movie The Warriors and almost every major scene from the movie is faithfully reproduced and parodied in the book. My book The Warriors is the only parody ever made about that hyper-violent film.

Gloria Warbler may suggest a famous divorce lawyer to the stars in LA.

The character Huge Buffet may suggest a famous billionaire. “Save fifteen percent” may suggest an insurance agency which the billionaire owns. But of course the fictional character is way different from any living billionaire. (Does that cover my ass legally?)

The Evil Mime Retirement Home is exactly like the Confederate Veteran retirement homes that used to populate the South.

The “Mime Olympics” is not real–tho it should be.

“Room for cream” parodies the extreme annoyance that Yours Truly encounters in Starbucks when, each time I ask for coffee, they snap back, “Room for cream?” no matter how many times I have told them ‘No, I don’t want cream!’ Starbucks baristas have the memory of a marmot and love to argue with their customers over their orders. They really lust to put cream in one’s coffee.

The geography of Griffith Park is authentic.

Blinky the depressed clown was inspired by the TV show Married With Children.

All the geography and streets in LA, including subways and light rail are accurately described in the book. The entire path taken by The Warriors can be accurately traced in the LA basin from Griffith Park to the sea. 

The extensive list of absurd roller derby gangs in The Warriors, which takes up over a page, was inspired by a similar list of rock groups from the third book of The Illuminatus Trilogy, by Robert Shea & Robert Anton Wilson. A brilliant work, also panned by some unperceptive reviewers.

The Insane Clown Pasta rap group and their band of gigolos may suggest a parody of a certain similar rap group and their jugs. Do I really have to spell this out?

Nite Shade tossing a used Eight-Hour Energy can into a deep hole parodies The Lord of the Rings where Merry drops a stone into a well. . .both opening unforeseen horrors.

The three-pronged lawn weeder of the Santa Claws comes from an old b/w Sherlock Holmes movie, The Scarlet Claw.

‘Bogart’ is the famous actor Humphrey Bogart of the 1930s etc. Has he too gone into the dustbin of history? No reviewer seems to know him.

ISeeMoHo robots allude to Asimo robots. One can’t defame a robot, can one?

As for Maggie herself, something very special about her is revealed at the end of the book which is germane to the plot of all three novels. If you stopped reading before Episode 21, then you’ll miss it!

All in all, The Warriors is a work of eccentric genius. I’ll never be roomed-for-cream again. . .

I hope this helps.

See the pages for Judge Crater Takes a Powder, and Cross-Dressers From Pluto for more tidbits.